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Memorials and gatherings
When someone close to us passes away suddenly, our natural reaction is of shock, disbelief and emotional pain. A common reaction is to want to do something to remember and celebrate the life of the person who has died.
Understanding the impact of memorials and gatherings
Some people may wish to hold remembrance events or memorials to celebrate their loved one’s life. While this can support the grieving process, it is important to note that when someone has died by suicide, the impact on their family, friends and community can leave others feeling vulnerable.
This information will help guide you on how to approach this safely and respectfully. Always be mindful of the feelings of the family and those affected, and speak with the family advocate in advance.
What to consider when talking about suicide
It is normal to experience emotional pain after the death of someone close, especially when the death is sudden or suspected to be suicide. Grief can feel overwhelming and confusing. It is important to check in with those affected and to offer meaningful and sensitive support.
Things to consider:
- Grief is a deeply personal experience, and everyone responds differently, especially following a suicide. It is completely normal to experience a wide range of emotions including confusion, anger, guilt, shame and feelings of isolation.
- There is no set timeline to grief. It may come in waves or change in intensity over time. Support might be needed immediately, but also in the weeks and months that follow.
- You don't have to deal with grief alone. Asking for help or understanding what help is available can make a difference. Knowing you are not alone may help you cope in the days, weeks and months ahead.
- Think about what support might be helpful.
- Close to home – family, friends and loved ones
- Community – religious advisors or support groups
- Formal – services such as grief support or loss and bereavement counselling can be very helpful following the loss of a loved one, your GP can help you access this support or find support services locally.
Charities - bereavement and other charities can help. There are some links below.
Local support servicesSupport after suicideFamilies Voices Forum
Searching for a missing person
If someone has gone missing, it can sometimes be tempting to organise searches by yourself with community members and friends. However, this can impede and slow down professional search efforts as it may require resources to be shifted away from the search. This may also attract negative media attention and draw vulnerable people to unsafe places.
As the organiser, you can also be legally responsible should any harm come to one of the volunteers whilst out searching.
Whilst sometimes it can seem frustrating, there is a process to searching and the professionals are always working with knowledge and experience. Speak to a search coordinator to understand how you can help the professionals during a search.
- Speak to the search coordinator. Ask them to explain the plan and how you, your family and friends can help.
- Designate a point of contact or family advocate. This should be someone who can be contacted 24/7 with updates. This person should consent to take on the role and know who to share this information with.
- People searching can make it difficult for CCTV operators or others to identify persons who are vulnerable or need support. Speak to a coordinator about how you can help stay visible and keep others safe.
Safely acknowledging shared pain
The presence of memorials may increases the risk of further suicidal behaviour and other vulnerable individuals.
When we have lost a loved one, it is natural to want to remember them. However, placing items or memorials in public locations (such as flowers, banners or shoes) can have a negative impact on the community and can be harmful to vulnerable people who might see them.
There are many other ways to remember a loved one by celebrating their life, e.g.:
- Organise an activity they enjoyed
- Host an event with the help of supporting organisations
- Support a charity or organisation they valued
- Share resources that might help others
- Produce a remembrance book that people can add to
- Plant a tree at a favourite site
When organising gatherings, find a neutral community space and inform local organisations and professionals so that they can be there to support. With this support professionals can help keep everyone safe and assist people who may need support.
Samaritans - Remembering friends and family in a safe way online
PHA - Advice for families on public memorials
PHA - Advice for communities, groups and schools on public memorials
Speaking to elected representatives
At a time of heightened suicide concern it is common for elected representatives and politicians to be approached to speak on behalf of the family or community. Like anyone, politicians don't have all the answers, but can provide helpful support.
This platform has a useful section for reporters and elected representatives to support them to speak about a missing person or death in a way that will not negatively impact other vulnerable people. However, it important to remember to speak to the family or family advocate and community in advance, and respect their wishes.
Those affected by the loss of a loved one may be approached by politicians who are looking to support - remember this isn't a time for political messaging, but to share important messages of support and hope at a time of heightened concern.
Do's and Don'ts?
- Take time before you speak to elected representatives, decide what you would like to say and remember anything you say might be spoken about by the representatives publicly or to a wider audience.
- If you don’t feel ready to speak to an elected representative (or anyone else for that matter) you can ask for more time, postpone or cancel the discussion.
- Elected representatives can help to move things forward, highlight your concerns and share messages of hope and support.